I love Christmas for all kinds of reasons. I think it's fun. I love giving and getting gifts. I love decorating the tree and seeing it lit up with pretty lights and ornaments. I love wrapping presents for people that I care about. I love having a big feast with my family, and silly specials on television, and baking cookies and all that stuff. I love that there's this celebration of happiness and giving that happens every year during what is otherwise the darkest, coldest, grayest part of the year in Michigan. I love that it's a holiday about a magical fat man in a red suit who goes around the world in a sleigh pulled by flying deer, giving away toys to children. I love all the sappy and funny and happy holiday songs.
Except this one.
Well, there are actually quite a few holiday songs that I hate, but this is the newest addition to the list, and it's certainly the most egregiously bad. The band "Go Fish" released this, and it's called, for those of you who can't see YouTube, "It's Called Christmas, With a Capital C".
If there's one thing that I hate about this time of year, this song exemplifies it. Every freakin' year they come crawling out of the woodwork. Those people who are obsessed with making sure that Christmas stays sacred. They're the people who rant about how "Jesus is the reason for the season!" They're the people who get angry that someone says "Happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". In fact, that stupid song starts off and has clips from some "comedian" (and I use the term loosely) going off on just such a rant:
I remember when people used to say things like "Merry Christmas" to each other. Everybody said "Merry Christmas"! "Hey, Merry Christmas to you Mr. Longstein" You know why? Cause it wasn't about your religion, it was about something as a culture we thought was so valuable that we'd all do it together, even if I disagreed with the religion behind it, because it was good for all of us instead of just me. But what do people say now? "Happy Holidays". "See, I just say 'Happy Holidays' because I don't want to say Christmas because you don't believe in Christmas because I don't want to offend you" *blabbering noise"... ...Oh yes, we want to say "Happy Holidays" because we don't want to leave anybody out. Really? How come there's a ton of holidays in February, nobody every says "Happy Holidays" in February, do they? They say what it is, "Happy Valentine's... oooh, do you believe in love?" But nobody wants to say Christmas! Everything else but Christmas. Why? I know why. You do too. It's because it's got Christ in it, and after 2,000 years, he's still intimidating people. You see, when a religious person says "I am the way", people don't want to hear it! They don't! I say you've got to say Merry Christmas, because it is! You don't believe in it? Fine! But I,I,I have a flash for you: Christianity happens to be the religious heritage of my country whether you like it or not... ...So if you're not a Christian, or you don't like it, and you don't want Christmas celebrated, God bless you! But let me tell you something, if you think you're going to stop me from saying it because it offends you, hey I've got a flash for you: put a helmet on! It's my country too!
The lyrics to the song aren't any better. The chorus pretty much sums it up:
It’s called Christmas, what more can I say?
It’s about the birth of Christ
and you can’t take that away.
You can call it something else,
but that’s not what it will be.
It’s called Christmas with a capital "C."
Where to start?
Well, first of all, who are these people that they're talking about? Every bloody year, I hear a certain kind of Christian crying about how "they're trying to take the Christ out of Christmas!" Who in the hell is this all powerful "they" that these Christians are talking about? Where is this huge movement to get rid of Christmas? Because, honestly, I've never seen it. I've never seen some subversive atheist/secular movement to get rid of Santa Claus at the mall. I've never heard of mobs of angry Jews gathering at public tree lighting events to protest. I've never heard of legions of agnostics sitting on public fences decrying a store that exhibits Christmas decorations or has clerks that say "Merry Christmas". So, what "they" is out there trying to take Christmas away and pushing this mythical "Happy Holidays" movement?
Second of all, screw you Go Fish. If you're going to write a song about a made up movement to abolish Christmas, let's get a few facts straight first, okay? Because, as it stands, you, and whatever comedian it is that you've got soundbites of, sound like a bunch of morons. Let's start with, as noted above, NOBODY IS TAKING CHRISTMAS AWAY FROM YOU.
Ignoring the reality that not everyone is Christian, and, you know, not everyone celebrates Christmas- either of which is actually a fine reason to prefer "Happy holidays" over "Merry Christmas"- there's the little issue of what, exactly, Christmas is about. Nobody gives a rat's ass if you celebrate Christmas because of Christ. Bully for you if you do. That's great. But, I've got a "flash" for you:
"Christmas" is older than Jesus.
You can call it Christmas,
but that’s not what it will be.
It’s called Saturnalia/Festivus/Dies Natalis Solis Invicti/ with a capital... okay, well, that part doesn't work so well, does it? The point is the same, though: what Christians have renamed "Christmas" is really an amalgamation of a number of other pagan celebrations. The Church renamed the festivities in an effort to win converts- it's easier to get people to adopt your faith if you can tell them "Hey, you get to keep the same parties!"
It's not people like me who are trying to kill Christmas, it's idiots like the comedian this band pulled clips from. Most non-Christians don't care either way if you want to celebrate Christmas. Why should they? If you want to go around wishing people a Merry Christmas, power to you. But, this kind of obnoxious belligerence really pisses people off. As a culture, we're in no danger of not celebrating Christmas, okay? Seriously, the decorations were out in stores before Halloween this year. The bell ringers are still out in force. I see tons of houses with lights and tree farms all over the place. Every time I turn on the tv, there's another Christmas special on. Christmas hasn't gone anywhere.
But to hear songs like this, or people like them, you'd think that there were armies of angry non-believers marching around just looking for people saying "Merry Christmas" so they could gag them. Has someone gone up to him and told him "Hey, you can't say Merry Christmas anymore!"? No? Then what the hell is he complaining about?
It's a totally manufactured outrage.
Oh, and the bit about our religious heritage... That's fucking rich. You know what? The founding fathers weren't Christians in any way recognizable by today's standards, for the most part. They were deists, and they'd have probably found modern Christmas celebrations offensive and obnoxious. Most of our nation's founding members would have fainted at the sight of what a gaudy commercial affair Christmas has become. Do these jackasses really think that puritans or the Quakers would be cool with all of the hoopla surrounding Christmas these days? I'd bet a dollar that these flakes are Catholic, and I can promise you that our nation is not a Catholic nation, so you don't get to claim our nation's "heritage" like that.
Most of this is probably incoherent, but that song just made me so angry, that I wanted to spit. It's assholes like these guys that ruin Christmas for the rest of us. They're the main reason why people end up not liking Christmas. Well, that, and the whole commercialized, crammed down your throats starting in October aspect of it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go listen to good Christmas music, and wrap presents.
Edited: Thursday, Dec13th, 8:50 AM
I'm number one! Kidding. Sort of. If you're looking for the lyrics, I linked to them above. They're not very good, though. The more I think about it, the more surprised I am that they didn't complain about "X-Mas" (which has been common since the sixteenth century) or repeat the claim that stores prohibited the use of Christmas by employees or continue to spread the rumor about Santas being prohibited from saying 'Ho ho ho!'
Also: The song still sucks.